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How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It | 
 enlarge | Authors: Patricia Love, Steven Stosny
Publisher: Broadway
Category: Book
List Price: $14.00
Buy New: $7.95
You Save: $6.05 (43%)
New (31) Used (9) from $7.95
Avg. Customer Rating:  37 reviews
Sales Rank: 5584
Media: Paperback
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 240
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.5
Dimensions (in): 7.7 x 5.1 x 0.8
ISBN: 0767923189
Dewey Decimal Number: 306
EAN: 9780767923187
ASIN: 0767923189
Publication Date: April 29, 2008
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
Shipping: International shipping available
Condition: Brand new item. Over 3.5 million customers served. Order now. Selling online since 1995. Order with confidence. Code: B20080828211842T
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Product Description
Men are right. The “relationship talk” does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and
Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:
Love is not about better communication.
It's about connection.
You'll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.
Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.
There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.
Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.
Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.
The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life. The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help. Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?
Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”
Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.
The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 32 more reviews...
 An important book August 21, 2008
Unlike Steven Stosny's other book, Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, which seemed to encourage victim mentality thinking, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is very positive, and contains genuinely new insights that make you think. This book helps both man and woman understand the other better, and makes it possible for ordinary couples to find their way through difficult issues in their marriage in clever, pain-free ways. It explains why talking is such torture for so many husbands, and it also explains how many husbands inadvertently make their wife feel scared, etc. A really fascinating, very human book with a lot of good ideas and information that can help in the real world. See also Michele Weiner-Davis's Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women.
 Simplistic and negative July 31, 2008
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
There may be a few kernels of truth to be had, but the overall effect this book has is negative, in my opinion. The vast majority of the book focuses on what is going wrong with the relationship and little attention is given to what can be done to improve the relationship, despite the title's promise. I found the idea that the shame/fear dynamic is driving all that is negative in male/female relationships to be very simplistic. While there are legitimate differences between men and women, I felt a great deal of negativity toward women in this book. I am a big believer in gender equality. Our society already handicaps men by training them to turn off their emotions. This book just gives men more permission to be out of touch. Then it stereotypes women negatively and makes several comments that imply that it would be an unfortunate thing to be a woman. There are much more worthwhile books available that will genuinely help to improve marriages by consistently reinforcing positive behaviors and thought patterns versus the negative aspects of many relationships. For example, saying that trips and dates can be detrimental to a relationship when the book is touting connection is hypocritical. Instead this could be reframed it in a positive light showing couples how to make the most of trips and dates, while making sure that it is understood that special outings are not necessary for a couple to feel connected. The day to day connections matter far more! I think this was their point, but again, it was framed in the negative. To anyone considering buying this book to improve their marriage, I would recommend that they keep shopping.
Empowering Advice July 20, 2008
3 out of 4 found this review helpful
"Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a relationship." ~ pg. 66
"how to improve your marriage without talking about it" is not about a lack of communication, it is about more effective communication and an understanding of how fear and shame factor into a healthy relationship. From the minute I read the first page, this book started to make perfect sense. This book has many stories of couples in trouble and in each case the authors show how the problem is not about communication it is about disconnection.
Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? The authors show ways that women can reduce the triggering of shame in men and they show men how to reduce the triggering of fear in women.
To begin the discussion the authors show how marriage problems are actually a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. In their discussions of how children are raised they give some good advice for parenting.
There is a revealing list of ways to shame a man that helps women to realize what they are doing wrong when they do talk to a man. There is also some good advice on dealing with anger and resentment. This book encourages you to take an honest look at your life to see if you can make more time for your relationship.
Instead of talking, have more sex. Could it be that easy? At the end of the book there is a secret formula to create more love in your relationship. Throughout this book there are many insights that will nurture your relationship. I tried quite a few ideas and they all worked in my own relationship.
So if you are tired of talking and you want to find ways to connect that are less verbal then this book may help. In the end, you still have to have good communication skills to make a marriage work, but giving a hug is a lot better than criticizing or making a partner feel fear or shame. According to this book, talking about your problems just makes things worse. Compassion, love and a deeper understanding of your partner's vulnerabilities can make things better.
~The Rebecca Review
Best book I found in helping me prepare for an intimate relationship June 29, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
Just wanted to thank the author for sharing all the insights, concepts, and examples/situational cases included in the book. I have found a lot of wisdom and restored faith and hope in wanting to have a close relationship. I'm not married, nor in a relationship, but wanted to learn what it takes to have a happy, lasting marriage before I got myself into any significant relationship.
I have found the following things particularly helpful for me:
#. The title itself : there are more than a dozen books advocating that "communication" is most important in maintaining a good relationship, but contrary to this widespread notion, the author argues and proposes that it's "connection" that is most important. I agree with the author on this point because I think that although the broad meaning of communication includes non-verbal elements, mostly, it emphasizes language and verbal communication. Connection, on the other hand, can be demonstrated by small acts - and less likely to be misinterpreted by the other person. I don't know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important. I however come from a set of parents who every time trying to work out their conflicts with words, ended up in the deeper end, instead of fixing their differences. So it's good to know that relationships CAN be improved by something other than words!
#. Shame & Fear : I've read some books on recovery, spirituality, relationships, emotions, toxic parenting, boundary setting, Jewish marriages - and I do believe that two of those emotions that are most difficult to manage are Shame & Fear. Anger and Rage come a close second for me, but the most toxicity-enducing ones that I keep seeing in my own culture (South Korea) around me, and all those melodramatic soap-operas which I refuse to watch tend to be rooted in those two feelings. I think those two emotions are what keeps a lot of people drinking, isolated, and numb. Well, not necessariy the emotions being bad, but not knowing how to cope with these emotions... keeps you disempowered, powerless, and stuck in life.
#. "If you want connection, forget "feelings," think motivation" : the author goes on to suggest ways to get over those emotions, and "There are only three basic motivations, APPROACH / AVOID / ATTACK." I'm still reading this chapter, but there's stuff about amygdala and so on which I need to get through; it will require some quiet reading though...
#. "Contrary to popular belief, the most important of all attachment emotions is not love, it's compassion." This is what the author believes, and goes on to explain why this is so. I heartily agree with this statement, because I believe that often times, Love is a non-word for me. It's become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It't just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It's become that fuzzy non-word.
I may have more to say, or perhaps disagree with, once I'm done with reading the entire text, but so far, I believe the book has far more goods to improve my understanding of how to have lasting intimacy, than bads. There is a chapter on Sex, and some diagrams on how a person with high sex drive functions, and how a person with low sex drive functions; but I don't know enough about these to comment.
Thank you Dr. Stosny - I'm glad I bought this book, and I'll keep reading it. I love the example you've included about a wedding gift "goblet" that comes with the following message:
"True love always has ups and downs. How you manage this normal ebb and flow will determine the course of your relationship. This gift is designed to help you through the low times. If and when you find yourself at a distance, at an impasse, in a bad place - no matter who is right or wrong, fill the glass, remember the love you share today, offer it to your partner, and your connection will be restored. Love and blessings, Pat."
I deeply value your work. With gratitude.
Great condition and with great speed. May 21, 2008
0 out of 22 found this review helpful
This product arrived in great condition and in a very timely manner. I'm excited to get started reading.
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